Grief is a personal thing, and sometimes finding ways to deal with it can be hard. I was blessed to have been informed about a group, related to my church, for widows and widowers that I joined shortly after Michelle passed. There I have been able to talk with people who share the experience of losing the person that we all thought we were going to spend the entirety of this mortal life with. None of us planned on being alone at this stage of our lives. For some it was a sudden occurrence for others like myself it was a slower process which gave us some warning.  Regardless we all share a bond and being a part of that group has propelled me far further along my path of reconciling my grief then I expected to be at this time. I attended my first widow and widowers conference in Idaho only 5 weeks after Michelle passed, I honestly questioned if I was ready for such an event, but it turned out to be exactly what I needed. While there I got a lot of direction, not just from people who have been walking this road well before me, but also from Michelle and from my Heavenly Father.
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One of the great lessons I have learned is that crying is not a bad thing. Trying to hold back emotions can work against you and leave you stuck. The release of those emotions can generate energy that can then be channeled to work for your benefit. And tears are not a weakness, having a full on breakdown might be exactly what you need to take you where you need to be, perhaps to your knees asking for assistance. My continued tears are a gift to my wife, a sign that I remember and celebrate her, that she still means the world to me and that her absence is felt. 

In January I was blessed with the opportunity to actually give a short presentation on how I was using music to facilitate my grief at another conference I attended.  So I thought I might share it here. This is a cut down version since the usually process can span upwards of an hour and a half listening to complete songs not just snippets. It was an experience doing this before a small audience live as I went from cracking open the doors, to letting out the flood, to riding the wave to standing again on solid ground in about fifteen minutes, complete with lip syncing to the songs (perhaps some day I'll do this again live and record it).  In the meantime grab a tissue and enjoy.
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​Guiding Grief With Music
Cameron Kaley – January 2019
I’m going to take you for a little ride through how music has propelled me forward in handling the loss of my wife 4 months ago.  Music has helped me to hold onto memories, it has helped me unlock the sadness and let the tears flow when I feel stuck. I can use it to facilitate a full-on breakdown that lasts 30 minutes and then slowly pull myself out of it to continue on with my day, rather than just lying in a funk for hours on end. I have a list of song snippets to share with you, to give you a glimpse into my mind. So please listen closely as you join me in letting music guide my grief.

​There are dozens of songs that I have compiled into a playlist that I started after my wife passed. It started as an attempt to not forget those songs that meant so much to us while she was here. But then there are songs like that one that came after her passing and remind me that so long as I hold onto my memories of her, she will remain close to me.
Other songs have been a part of my life for the past 22 years back to where we met when I was 17 and she was still 16 in the summer of 1996.

​I will always see that snarky 16-year-old girl making faces at me as she sang that song and many others. She knew how to tease me like no one else. It seems weird that that was our song, but she introduced me to the gospel and then left me in the hands of the missionaries to find my own way. Still that summer we had many a discussion about God.
Fast forward 2 years and we were married, and this was the first song we danced to as husband and wife.

Now in our 20 years of marriage we had our fair share of differences, she was a classical ballerina who liked top 40 and I was a heavy metal, rock and roller. I found many a song that might not have been her taste, but I associated those songs with her none the less

I have songs from the 80s, the 90s and today that remind me of her and how much she meant to me. Some that remind me of my short comings as a husband and things that I don’t want to repeat in the future, some that remind me of the trials that we overcame together.
One of those trials took place in March of 2016 as I faced being laid off and out of work for 2 months. And now looking back on that time a song that she always loved has taken on new meaning to me in retrospect.

You see I lost my job but ended up getting a new one that allowed me to work from home, which seemed cool at the time, but months later in September of 2016 that trial of losing my job ended up being one of the greatest blessing of my life as my wife received her cancer diagnosis and we began a 2 year battle, where I was able to be by her side every day, now that I worked from home

That right there is the start, where when my emotions seem like they are stuck behind a damn I can trigger them, I can have the controlled grief session when I need to get it all out, before I start to put myself back together.
For 2 years she battled. But in May of 2018 the doctors announced the cancer had spread to her brain and that there were now 13 large tumors, 2 of which were hemorrhaging severely. She immediately started 15 rounds of full brain radiation and lost all freedom to go where she pleased as she was a major seizure risk. But in June, at the dance recital for the girls that she taught, and unbeknownst to me, this strong woman that had just lost all her hair due to radiation took the stage and danced a final solo to this song

​She danced, and she left it all out on that stage, proving that through the trials she faced that fighting spirit could not be dimmed. Weeks later she would suffer her first and only seizure, but it would be the catalyst to leave her weakened and facing the final days of her mortality. As she lay there one night this song came up randomly on her phone

That song has helped me find peace as I opened myself to the guiding light of our Savior who helped me find peace while I tried to understand the path that I would have to tread without her physically by my side.
It was a slow decline over 2 months, but again I was by her side through it all. And on the evening of September 11th I resolved to let her know that she could return home. Early in the morning of September 12th she returned to her Father, as she passed peacefully from this world. I was given the strength to give her eulogy and together her friends, and the community upon which she had had such an impact sang together this song.

I was again reminded how great the gospel of Jesus Christ is that I will see her again, for she was a faithful servant that fulfilled her mandate in this life. And with this knowledge and these songs behind me I can prepare myself to emerge from my grief to not move on but move forward. To hold my head up high as she did when she took the stage that one last time. She was an inspiration to me while she was alive, and I look forward to that day when I will again see her in the flesh.

I will not forget her, I will regularly shed a tear for her, both in sadness for the things that will not be, as well as for the joy that she brought into my life, that I never could have imagined at 17 years old. And I will continue to find new songs that remind me of the past and give me hope for the future. And nothing is off the table because sometimes I need to cry, and sometimes I need a good 2 tone ska beat to get me up and moving as I simultaneously remember her and dance my way forward as I know she would want me to

​Her life was a celebration of how to go out with dignity and joy. And I am grateful that through music I can remember the past, grieve for what was lost, and find joy in the journey.

So did you make it through? That's a taste of the music I use, I have an ever expanding playlist dedicated to Michelle. Some songs that make me laugh, some make me cry, some fill me with the resolve to hold my head high and seize the day. That list will continue to expand as the years go on and I will continue to use it to remember the good times and in doing so I will picture Michelle with a smile on her face dancing her way through life and through the eternities. 
So you've already gotten a good deal of music on this post but what the heck, here is the last song I added to the playlist. How did I not know about this band sooner? I have no idea but man I know we would have loved them together, guess we still get to. 

One of the great things about living in this day and age is the way in which things get captured. What a blessing it is to have pictures, video and audio so easily recorded for us to then reflect on later. I have realized that Michelle was most often the one taking the pictures, so there aren't nearly as many pictures of her as there are of the rest of us, but gratefully there are a good deal of them. 

But while a picture may be worth a thousand words, sometimes what you really want is to hear your loved one again. You want to hear the way they sounded, to hear them relay a story in their own words rather then trying to rely on your memory. It's also fun to hear how they interpreted an experience differently from you. Luckily Michelle, having the magnetic personality that she had, attracted the attention of people and as a result there just happens to be recordings of her sharing her insights and life stories. So while the last post was her in motion, this is her in her own words.
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First she did a podcast related to being a Young Women's leader for our church. At the time she didn't share this one too widely because it touched on some fairly sensitive material, and she really didn't know how it might affect some people. She also didn't want people coming up to her with the "I had no idea you went through all that." or the simple "I'm so sorry". She didn't want sympathy for something she had gone through, what she wanted was for people to learn from her experiences and so it was enough to leave it somewhere where those people would find it. That being said I feel ok now sharing it with a wider audience. Be aware she touches on some heavy things, but thus pretty well confirms that she was tough and fearless before cancer came knocking. 
Below is the audio and here is the original link
https://leadingsaints.org/from-abuse-victim-to-young-women-president-how-i-lead-michelle-kaley/

Now for the slightly lighter side. Michelle did this one unexpectedly while we were on vacation in Utah. Here we get to hear about her passion for dance and how she has held her head high in the face of being sick. Honestly I'd forgotten about this one until the podcasters husband shared it on her cancer support page. I will be eternally grateful for getting to hear her voice again, and to have a little reminder of an inside joke we shared.

So now here is my part. I'd hoped to write up my eulogy to Michelle, but the truth is I ad libbed the majority of it and only had sparse notes. I'm grateful to Michelle and I's friend Candida who unbeknownst to me recorded the eulogy and then shared it with me. Y'all can now hear me speak about the woman that shaped me over the course of 22 years. I wondered how I was going to go on without my other half, but the truth is she hasn't left me. I came to her 22 years ago full of holes and she didn't just temporarily fill in the gaps, she fundamentally transformed me (which I might get to in a future post). But in the meantime here you go my eulogy to the woman that gave me a life that was more than I ever imagined, complete with pictures.

So if you just listened to the eulogy you now know, if you didn't before, that we were opposites in many ways. One of those ways was our taste in music. Sometime we crossed over to the others side, there were a fair number of Metallica songs I could get her to listen to, and every once in a while I was able to embrace some of hers. Just wait for the next post on music, be forewarned I'm gonna get you crying. But even though we may not have crossed paths often on our musical tastes I still have an entire collection of songs that I associate with her for various reasons. So I apologize, I'm not sure how well you can dance to this one, but it holds some special meaning. Back on August 3rd Michelle was at home under hospice care, I'd boughten tickets months before for Coheed and Cambria, a band me and the older children enjoy. She was encouraging that I go and it ended up being a much needed chance to blow off steam with everything we had going on. There are a number of Coheed songs I associate with Michelle, but this one hits especially hard, again wait for next post. If you've read some of the other entries, especially our marriage one, you know we faced our challenges, and I was far from  the perfect husband at times, but I learned a lot of lessons on 22 years, and I like to think that by the end we were each two halves of something phenomenal. I recorded this one live, so if you listen carefully you might even get to hear that horrible off key voice I talked about above.  For those that aren't acquainted with the song, don't worry I'll post the lyrics below, but suffice it to say I was shedding some tears by end of the portion I've marked in bold. 

​Hey, stranger
Been a long while since I've loved you or anything
How the times have changed
Distorted, a figure set in trend, emotionless
And the words lose all their means
(Goodbye, lost and long forgotten)
Discouraged might be the term you choose when you look
Looking for an excuse
My company has gone mute
Since listening isn't my strongest suit
I'm leaving you with this here, okay?
Over and out there
Honey, it's in the stars
And you're my everything from here to Mars
And every word I say I truly mean
Dear darling, I hope I'm being clear
'Cause there's no one like you on earth
That can be my universe
Understood, give me a second chance
I know I could be your better half
It's in the stars
And you're my everything from here to Mars
And every word I say I truly mean
Dear darling, I hope I'm being clear
'Cause there's no one like you on earth
That can be my universe
Pardon me, I think I'm going
Out of my head and into the worst
A world without your verse
A world without you hurts
Please, I'm sorry
I will never let you go
I will never let you go
I will never let you go
It's in the stars
And you're my everything from here to Mars
And every word I say I truly mean
Dear darling, I hope I'm being clear
'Cause there's no one like you on earth
That can be my burning star
And you're my everything from here to Mars
And every word I, every word I mean
Dear darling, I hope I'm being clean
'Cause there's no one like you on Earth
That can be my universe

Songwriters: Claudio Sanchez

This is Cameron, Michelle's husband. The reason I'm writing this is because after a number of months I am now prepared to pick up where my beloved wife left off. Unfortunately the reason nothing has been posted here in some time is because on September 12, 2018 Michelle Kaley returned to be with her Heavenly Father. I am eternally grateful for the time that I was given with this choice daughter of God, and for the man that she helped mold me into. I plan to remember her and share with the world that even in death she lives on and continues to play a hand in the affairs of those she loved.
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It seems fitting that this page should continue as a means to memorialize her life as well as to inspire people to see that life goes on. With that in mind it seems that I should first get everyone caught up on where life stands before I can share my own story of not moving on, but rather moving forward, knowing that my wife continues to walk with me.

​So where have we been? Michelle last shared what she was grateful for, and the outpouring of support that we received. It was about a month later that she suffered her first and only seizure. To make a long story short she recovered somewhat from that but was mostly confined to the home for the last 2 months while she was able to visit with friends and family. Her pain was well managed and on September 11th 2018 I was able to have a final discussion with her to let her know that it was ok for her to go. At that point she had not eaten in a number of days and had not communicated with us either. But as I talked with her, her eyes opened ever so slightly letting me know that she was there and listening. She passed that night and I know of assurity that she went peacefully.

I have always likened our journey to the way I feel about air travel, when the turbulence comes I do not freak out, I find calm because there is absolutely nothing I can do other then try to calm those around me. I await the results of the trouble to see if we crash in the water, on land, or if the pilot regains control and the ride smoothes out. I prepared myself for a crash, another seizure, something tragic, in the end the Lord took back control and landed us safely, although not at the destination that we had envisioned when we started our journey initially.

But I know God looked after his daughter, because while I already started as man of faith in this whole journey, I experienced too many things to the point that the effort to write them off as coincidence became far greater then to recognize them as the tender mercies of a Heavenly Father. When 3-5 times a day, everyday for weeks you are receiving calls, visits, texts that answer questions or problems that had come to your mind only an hour before, and which you had not yet verbalized, you know that angles are being dispatched to carry your needs and questions to those that are open to receive those calls and respond as God's hands on this Earth.

There are things that Michelle left behind and I look forward to sharing those messages beginning with her final performances. She was able to share one, but I would like to share it again with the professional video. In this she decided to surprise me as I sat innocently in the audience on June 4th, I was not prepared for her to perform this piece and as a result the tears flowed freely.

Two days later she did it to me again, as I prepared to watch my eldest daughter's pointe dance, Michelle came out, not on her feet, but on her toes and performed her farewell dance. Again my tears flowed at yet another unexpected performance. She proved that there is no limit to how high you can hold your head up as you face the storms of life.

But you know what she wasn't the only one that could pull off a surprise. While I may not be a dancer, I spent over two decades being influenced by one to the point that when I hear music I can't help but see movement. We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary on June 13th and just before that we attended a performance by a local dance group, The Dance Project. I am grateful for their time and commitment as they were able to bring to life a dance to a song of my choosing and with some of my meager choreographic input, and this became my final gift to my wife.

Later after her passing The Dance Project had another performance and there memorialized Michelle by recreating her final solo. I am grateful for the chance to have attended. I know that while I myself have two left feet, dance will continue to be a part of my life forever as a way to remember my eternal companion whom I have no doubt is dancing her way about her new job of watching over her family from the other side of the veil.

Life has been far from dull these last 5 months, and there is much more to come. Michelle said she was going to get to work on some things and I can tell you will assurity that she did.

I suppose this now means that I am in charge of your 30 second dance break, haha, I'll try to go easy on y'all. Did I mention we were opposites? You might find my musical taste a little different, I guess we'll see. I mentioned using this one to her, so at least I know it isn't too far from something she might have chosen herself