The Joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives - Russel m. Nelson
NO More Dead Gold Fish!! Now that is something to rejoice about!
Ok, I should explain....during radiation when it hits my sensory nerves it causes my brain to smell an overwhelming smell of dead gold fish in a bowl. Its was awful, I tried essential oils, and gum to block the smell but because it was in my brain there was not much I could do. But we are done, finito, I have been Gold Fish free for one glorious week!
I was given the option to take this week off from treatment and seized the day! My lung radiation treatments will begin on June 4th. It was decided I would do 10 rounds at a lower dose because the tumor is close to my heart and stomach so a more gentle approach will be better.
"Miracles Happen when the children of God "work together" Guided by the Spirit to reach out to others in need." - Reyna Aburto
I want to share some of the Miracles that you all have been responsible for whether directly through your actions or by your prayers. You need to know how powerful you all have been!
First one of my favorites...
It is almost impossible to surprise me, I don't know how but I always seem to find out surprises. Well for the first time I was surprised BIG time with one of the BEST Surprises of my life. A little back story:
Almost 4 years ago I was teaching a Ballet class in studio 2. We were at the ballet barre when this magical being walked into the studio, she was so tiny and wearing the fiercest outfit complete with sunglasses. She did not just walk into the studio, she strutted! I actually walked out of my class, I had to meet her! It was instant love! Our souls connected, like we had been waiting for each other! That was just the start, I met her Mother, instant connect, met her little brother, felt as if I had known him, met her Father, same thing! Needless to say I can't express how special this family is to me! Last summer they had to make a move to Atlanta, it was devastating to have them go but I knew in my heart it was the right move for them. They came for a visit in the fall, we have written letters, face-timed, texted etc. It has been hard, but I have still felt them so close. Now fast forward to me attending the last Dance competition of the season in Dallas. We arrived at the Hotel really late, I think around 11:30pm. We pulled up and I could see one of the parents of my Mini dancers (Ages 6-8) And I was mad that the kids might still be up, but turns out she was just there to capture the surprise, all the babies were asleep! Those babies had to compete in the morning and should not be up! We walked in and I saw 2 signs with 2 tiny pairs of feet underneath them. I couldn't read the sign very well but I made out the word ATLANTA!!! I lost it, the ugly cry right then and there!!! My special family had driven all the way from Atlanta to be with us for the weekend! Those days were like Heaven on Earth! BEST Surprise EVER!!!!
If you want to learn more about this amazing family check them out on Trendablekids on Insta and Facebook! Their amazing mother is the designer behind their amazing couture!
My white party.....
For this one of the members of my Dream team, remember the magical Unicorn that is Kate Karren, the one who organized all of my cancer support from the beginning....well she has not stopped / slowed down in the slightest. After she helped me plan out my Life Celebration (FYI I am not having a funeral my life is to be celebrated!) Which you all are invited to, date TBA ;) Kate decided that I needed a preview, so she set to work. Walking into that room filled with Beautiful humans all dressed in white! So many, I am still finding out who was there, it is incredible! The performances were something I will always treasure, the LOVE that was felt was the greatest gift I could have ever received!
Here is a link to the 360 degree video of the event.
The dance community...
I have always known that I was a part of something special being a dancer but this has been unbelievable! My own studio has done soooo much, Dance-a-thons, master classes, Silent Auctions, T-shirt sales, epic bake sales, the list goes on and on how they have raised money for my family and supported us in so many ways!! But studios across the country, they have raised money, sent gifts, flowers, beautiful cards of love and support! I even got an edible arrangement from one of the competitions we attend, it sounds silly but I have always wanted to get one of those, I was ecstatic! Then last night another HUGE Surprise...as many of you know I am a Hope story for Dancers Against Cancer. An incredible organization that helps dancers, teachers, and and their families fight cancer both financially and emotionally. They have been amazing, it has been an absolute honor to be apart of the DAC family! Over this journey the Executive administrator of DAC, Michelle Colon Tijerina have become quite close. Last night she flew into surprise me with a VERY generous financial assistance for my treatments. But the best part was seeing her and getting to hug and love on her!!!! I love my DAC family!
Friends, family, community.....
The outpouring of support and help has been unbelievable! From the bracelets and t-shirts that the dream team did, to the Kendra Scott fundraiser, gift card tree, special gifts from the heart, cards, flowers, the GoFundMe, the amazing meals brought in, the service and labor that went into getting my home ready for the graduation party, all of this was never anything I would ask for but so humbled and full of gratitude for these tremendous blessings!!
The Dream team and Round Rock High School stepped up big time on this one. Alexia's graduation class was HUGE, graduation was 3 hours! But the school went above and beyond to make sure that my family and I were in a very comfortable suite and had everything we needed for me to be able to attend. Shout out to the BEST principal I have ever come across Matt Groff! Then the dream team put on the most INCREDIBLE Wedding, I mean graduation party, I have ever seen!! Every detail was perfection, they managed to make it absolutely perfect for Alexia! The best part was watching her enjoy every minute of it!
Since May 4th it has been a steady stream of re-connections and my heart exploding with joy over being with my favorite Humans! From old high school friends, to my entire family coming for graduation, and currently my childhood through adulthood besties are here, The love and the laughs have been Non-stop!
So about a month ago I decided I wanted to do a dance to a song from Pink that has been very special to me throughout treatments. I wasn't sure when I would perform but I knew it was something I needed to do. As each day went by I got weaker and weaker. There were days I needed assistance to walk. I was so dizzy and disoriented I could not balance. The days slipped by and I was not sure I would regain any strength to dance. But still I was determined. I decided I would do it as a surprise at our end of year show for the dance company. Which also happened to fall on the same day I started the new rounds of Lung radiation. Due to the side effects of treatment I was completely unable to choreograph anything or even really attempt to dance to see if I even could. As I have mentioned before my body is numb, I don't feel my muscles. I feel them shake and I know that they are weak. But I went forward with faith! I walked on that stage having no clue what I was about to do, in dance we call that improv. Improv is raw, exposing, vulnerable, and powerful! The music started and I started moving, somethings worked out, some didn't. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get my body to leap. I have taught dancers how to leap for 27 years, it is one of my favorite things to do because it feels like flying! As I saw the video for the first time the perfectionist Ballerina in me was horrified, but then I realized this was a representation of my parallel world that I am living in. Heaven - I should not be able to dance at all but my spirit is so strong and was able to take over my body so that I could feel the joy of dancing again. Earth - My body is just a shell at this point, weak and unable to execute the movements, the failed leaps show that right now its going through something really hard, and it is not giving up!
How am I........
For those whose hearts are breaking over this please know mine is not! My journey has been so Epic, this ending has been the most incredible gift from God! Life does not end with death, I do not feel like my journey is ending at all! I have complete peace, and I am NOT, I repeat, I am NOT suffering in the slightest! I urge you that if you are in pain, if you are struggling with anything no matter how small, reach out and reach up! God will hear you, He will send Angels both in heaven and here on earth to attend to you! He loves you, I love you! Remember to find the Joy today, its out there, I promise!
30 Sec. Dance Party Enjoy!
"Cause you never think that the last time is the last time. You think there will be more. You think you have forever, but you don't" - Greys Anatomy
From Day 1 you stole the show! Impossible not to notice the full head of hair on this brand new baby! So much so that you convinced the nurses to give you your first hair cut and pony tails hours within being born. You had a secret way of making everyone want to play with you. My poor Mother would have to cover my head with diaper clothes in order to get her errands done because of you. She could not go anywhere with out people needing to see you, touch you, tell her how you made them feel. Your powers were so strong that my own Grandmother repeatedly kidnapped me while my Mother slept to take me to the salon for a "Color Match" To wake up and find your baby missing over and over again!!
I was not given a choice of whether to be introverted or not, my "Bubble" was forced to be open at all times. Thankfully I was sent to the right Mother. Who instilled in me from day one...Smile, sincerely say "Thank You" let them experience it, Do not be rude, not matter what! This of course led me into a life of being open and connecting with everyone around me....I love your Hair!, Wow is that your real color?, Can I touch it?, Is it hot?, Is that really all your hair?, Is it heavy? How does it grow so fast?, It seems like it glowing, does anyone in your family have that color? Did any of your kids get that color? You must be Irish! You know what they say about Red Heads......on and on...some of it I really didn't need to hear. Men especially liked to forget their filters when talking about you starting when I was a child, not ok!
I hated looking different, I wanted to blend in, I wanted to look like my friends, there was so much of you, I wanted the cute sassy bob cuts that all my friends would get for the summers! But no you had to have so much attention that you even had yourself written into my Acting contract with my agent! You had to be all the way down my back! Really....so excessive! I remember when I was 5, Mom handed me the brush and said its your job now, you need to do your own hair from now on. I sobbed and sobbed, how was I ever going to get you into pony tails, braids, buns....But we got to work, you and I. The cramps in my biceps and shoulders from trying to twist, pull, pin, tuck, and work you into different styles. The amount of rubber-bands that have snapped on my hands and arms just trying to get you in, I can still feel the sting.
You did make the prettiest softest ringlets though, you did well in childhood, puberty though uhhhh, ok I know we didn't get along, straight perm after strait perm, dye job after dye job. Which I know you found hilarious every time I forked out the $6 dollars for yet another bottle of dye "Permanent" that would wash completely out the next day! There was no stopping you! You refused to be altered. That is until I found Robbie in 2003! He had the power, it may have taken the entire day but he managed to get those Blonde Highlights in you! I loved them, or did I? I thought I did until with the day someone asked the daily question "Is that your real color" I froze, my heart stopped, I had to say "No I have highlights" I was not prepared for how that would make me feel! I was sorry, so sorry that I had done that to you, it felt different, straw like and dead, as if I had just scarred you, I was sorry. Ok, no more dye, no more highlights, you win. We experienced the age of Aquanet, LA Looks, DEP gel, l'oreal studio line, herbal essence, the wall of front bang (Curl it spray, singe it, tease, lift it, more spray), foam curlers, rag curls, steam curls, crimping irons, the actual Iron when my sister Elizabeth and I would lay our heads on the board and try to straighten smooth our hair, hot rollers, curling irons in every size, the glorious flat/straight iron!, the curling wand, and the infamous Rat tail! I developed a technique around 8th grade to get the softest smoothest straight hair. After washing my hair I would blow dry it as straight as I could. Then gather it all into a pony tail at the base of my head, then take an ace bandage and wrap the entire pony tail as tight as I could to the tip. And then proceed to sleep with it like that. It looked like a giant rat tail but in the morning I would unwrap it and my hair would be so smooth and straight , no frizz or bumps and it would last for days! You inspired me to want to learn about everyone's different type of hair! I was blessed to have 3 sisters with very different hair stemming from different ethnicity. I loved the challenge! I loved doing hair for school dances and performances!
Babies came and you changed again, the curls that were so easy to depend on started get straighter, some stayed strong and true while others didn't, I started to refer to you as stupid hair because you didn't seem to know if you wanted to be curly or straight and were just creating more work for me to do. I started cutting you off, donating you to locks of love, over and over again. Cameron really prefers you long, but you grow so fast that I could chop 10-15 inches off you and it would be back within the year. Then I learned some information about locks of love that hurt my heart. So I sought out a different organization. One that made free wigs for children with Alopecia! So I would go in to have you cut and deliver you to a very special woman that would package you up and send you to Australia to be made into a special wig for very special little girls! You did save me lots of money! I only went to the salon 1 or twice a year to have you cut, no money spent on processing or up keep. Although with how much of you there was I definitely have made quite the investment in shampoo and conditioner ;) I would like to page Homage to the very special Women in my life that I trusted my hair to whole heatedly over the years...Irma Laura, Brandilyn Ferguson, Kiran Whittaker, and now all the beloved ladies at Blonde Faith Salon including Kaela Beutler and Michelle McGowan! You are all so special to me, thank you for all the love and time you put in not only into my hair but to me! I love you ladies!
My 2 most memorable hair stories:
When I was 16 my Mom went out of town for the birth of my first Neice! My 13 year old little sis went to a friends house for the weekend. While there they proceeded to dye and cut their hair. When she came home she freaked out that Mom and Dad were going to KILL her.....well I couldn't let that happen so I suggested thy cut my hair too that way I could take some of the focus off her. I had been thinking about getting it cut anyways. Now why on Gods green earth I thought I should let a 12 and 13 year old cut my hair is way beyond me!!! I asked them to cut it just below my shoulders for bun and ponytail purposes. The friend began to cut.....lets just say it started at my right shoulder and ended at my left jaw bone!!!! Remember I had curly hair.....I was hysterical!!!! I called my best friends Mom, Linda (My 2nd Mom) she immediately got me hair appointment and raced over to get me. All the while my sister and her friend were hiding under the bed crying. The salon fixed it the best they could but I would definitely need a straight perm when my Mom got home. That night my swing dancing partner and I where doing a special performance at a big dance and then teaching them some swing dancing. While practicing a new stunt before we went on I was dropped on my head from 6 feet up into concrete. It didn't goes so well and I awoke later in the hospital to a lovely concussion, and all kinds of neck injuries. Needless to say that helped to pull all attention off the hair and my sister was saved!
Then there was the time Kiran introduced me to invisitabs (hair extension that could be keratin taped into your hair. So I got bright fuchsia!! I loved it, I went back for more! Having all that bright pop of fun woven throughout my hair was the most fun I have ever had with my hair!
You handled Caner treatments like a champ! You lost some of your vibrancy and about 1/3 of you fell out but since I had enough of you to cover 4 heads people really couldn't tell. And Kiran new just how to cut you and help you look healthy. You were not a fan of the first round of radiation so Kaela chopped you off. I was panicked because Kiran had just moved to Florida but God made sure to remind me that I had special friends at Blonde Faith through teaching dance. I would get the occasional white hair but super rare. Cameron and I would talk about when we thought my hair would actually go white. He seemed excited for it and thought it was going to be very sexy. I never envisioned that I would ever leave this life with out you. You are such a huge part of me! When you are never told you have a beautiful smile, or pretty eyes, when 98% of compliments ever given to you in life are about your hair and suddenly you are having to face that it will be completely gone it definitely does an ego check. When the time came the faux hawk was so fun! It spoke to my inner rebel and fierceness. But when it all started abandoning ship the fear set it, not so much of what will I look like but how will it make people feel. I didn't want to scare anyone, especially my dancers! I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about hats, scarves, wigs etc. I am honestly most comfortable just aux natural, feeling the breeze. Who knows maybe I'll try out some wigs. I think I have Aubrey's old Hanna Montana wig around here somewhere. But until we meet again hair, thank you for all that you have been for me in this lifetime, you really played a leading role in my journey! I miss you, and I love you!
Please enjoy the following video made by my friend, neighbor and Sister, Becky Forse.
Hair deserves a dance party too! This one will be a little mash up and a little longer then 30 sec ;)
It's so hard to believe it has only been one week! One week since I was literary fired from my life! God knows how fiercely independent I am, I have never been good at asking for help. Although I have been given plenty of opportunities to learn this lesson I stubbornly refused. So when the time came I was given no choice, all was taken away from me. But in all of His love and compassion it was made ever so clear that my PERFECT Support team had already been assembled. In every aspect of my life, especially in the care of my children, and my work, the perfect people were put into place. There has not been a single need that has not been met in the past week. So much service, love, sacrifice has been rendered by all of you on behalf of myself and my family!
While radiation is an effective treatment for having 13 tumors in your brain there are some not so fun side effects. For one your ability to recall words is extremely hampered making it difficult to formulate what you want to say, thankfully there are people that will take the time to help you get out the words that used to come so easily. This particular difficulty is the result of inflammation, which means my body is doing exactly what it needs to do to fight this disease, but it also means that I can't start my immunotherapy, Keytruda, because that would only increase the inflammation, so that will have wait a little while. Another side effect is the need to take lots of new medications morning, noon and night, so my husband has lovingly added alarms to his phone so he knows when to harass me like I'm 5. With the swelling has come loss of muscle strength, balance, and control. My speech has changed, (think Rain Man-ish) or as some have pointed out to me, I sound like a Disney Princess. The words don't come out right, but inside my Spirit is still 100% intact, my thoughts are the same as before. I have always been a big "Communicator" shall we say.... so I am having to learn to be patient with myself. There are other side effects but let me sum it up to say "It feels like when you are very first coming out of Anesthesia or sedation. Super loopy, tired, week, but happy! I am not in Pain, I am numb for the most part. The Lord is blessing me through all of your prayers like crazy! There has been so much Beauty and Happiness that the pain, hurt, or sadness are only small and fleeting!
I was blessed that my loving family and friends did not try to stop me from attending the last dance convention/competition of the season. I was able to talk with some of my Angel babies (A very magical group of 6-8 year olds I direct at the dance studio) they were sharing how their week had been, the times they had broken down in tears, stories of "Ms. Michelle" pictures being carried in backpacks to help them get through school, how Happy they felt that we were getting to have this special weekend together! When I shared how incredibly happy I was and that this had been the best day ever one girl asked 'What was the worst part this week?" Truth, absolute because there is no point in lying to 6 year olds! I turned to them and said, I had some sad moments this week, some times where I didn't feel good, and I really missed all of them but there were SOOOO many good and Happy things that happened this week that the good things just stood out more!
I want to list out some of the things that kept me from focusing on the 'Why Me" and "Not Fair " aspect of this situation.
The Dream team - a group made up of people that I trust my whole life and heart to that jumped in feet first no questions asked and got everything, and I do mean Everything, done this week. From shuttling me to Doctors appointments, getting children taken care of, fed, and happy, planning an entire Graduation Party, along with a whole slew of fundraisers, my Husbands Birthday, planning Epic surprises, I watched one of them spoon feed my child FroYo while we were out on a Mani Pedi date! One of them held my hand the entire time my hair was being lovingly shaved off my head. Another one dropped everything to help care for another child that managed to get coated in Poison oak this week,the list goes on and on.
The Flowers, the emails, texts, voicemails, the hundreds who have reached out with beautiful words, memories, love, support! Some of the most beautiful letters I received this week are from teenagers. These have been so raw, powerful and heartfelt! I feel so honored and privileged to have read their beautiful words!
It has been such a gift from hearing from so many wonderful people that have been in my life over the years. Please know that with each message my heart was overjoyed to hear from you. Time has never mattered to me in relationships, it was more about the connections. I place all of those special connections in my heart for an eternity so it doesn't matter if that moment happened when I was 5 or 35. You will always be important and loved by me. For those that may be concerned that there is hurt or pain between us, let me assure you that is not how my heart works. I have been through way too much in my life to know what judging and being unforgiving can do to you. It is a choice that I made long ago. Is it always easy, no. Are there times I have had to build some protective barriers yes, but the lessons I learned in how to take them back down have helped me to grow in so may ways! I have a strong testimony in how making mistakes, wrong choices, hurting others and then being given the opportunity to do better, make amends, and grow have been some of the most cherished experiences of my life.
*** It has been almost another week since I started this post....my body was not able to cooperate with me adding to the blog. I am still in awe every day of what God is doing in my life! Since I am able to get some words out tonight I am going to add some of what has happened this week.
Emotionally - Still on a Roller Coaster, but mostly a very big Spiritual High! I have been so blessed with some of the most amazing conversations this week. I have been off the Xanax all week as I realized it was only making me feel even more loopy. And that when and if the tears come I need to let them, it is healing for all.
Physically - Weak, numb, yada yada..... BUT I have realized what being a dancer has done for me....Muscle Memory! I tell my body to do something now and it just does it!!! It is so amazing to experience. I like my new short hair, it has already started to fall out so I will probably be working the easy breezy bald look soon enough.
Medically - 6 more rounds of full Brain radiation left.....I am definitely counting down! I had my PET Scan today to check to see if the cancer has invaded my other organs, for the most part great news! The only new cancer that showed up today is in my lungs (I had a feeling it was there anyways) So when I finish Brain radiation next week we will immediately start Lung radiation. The Doctor is Hopeful that I can start my Keytruda infusions in a week or 2!
Spiritually - Feeling like I am living in a very surreal state. The spirit is so strong! I don't feel I am in charge anymore, I will be sitting in a waiting room, or other public place and BAM I am suddenly talking to a complete stranger about things so incredibly bold! Any sense of awkwardness is gone. We are able to to talk about God so freely and strongly! And all day everyday the miracles are happening!
Thank you all so much for your Love and Support! Everything has touched us so deeply from notes, flowers, meals, Fundraisers, videos, hugs, smiles, and soo much love! We are so Blessed by all of you! I love you all so much!
For tonight's 30 sec. dance party make sure to grab a partner...take a twirl around the Kitchen or maybe head outside to feel the Beauty of Dancing in the Moonlight!
I have always had a Deep and Strong connection to the ocean! I was born literally across the street from Huntington Beach in California! My happiest times almost always involve water. It speaks to my very soul. When I am near it I feel home. One of the things I admire and respect about the ocean is that it is always changing. I remember sitting on my surfboard just one year ago watching the waves roll in waiting for the perfect set to drop in on, There would be waves that I though were perfect, I would start my paddle wait to feel the power of the wave start to lift my board and just as soon as I popped up the wave was gone. While other times waves that seemed so small and trivial would hammer me into the surf and humble me in every way.
Life is like the ocean....sometimes we feel like we can't catch a break, there are no waves to be found, but if you wait, have patience those waves will come. Sometimes the waves sneak up on you and you feel thrust forward in life unprepared. But those are the times you are being taught, so take notes and be ready for the next time! Then there will be those waves where everything lines up just right...those are the times you open your heart and your mind and enjoy the ride!!
Finding out your dying definitely comes in waves. Times when you are at peace, a feeling of stillness and calm. Times when overwhelming waves of sadness and pain take over. Waves where you realize just how epic this is and you have had an amazing ride! Since Friday all of the many different waves in my life have been coming in faster then I could imagine. I know I started this blog out with the beginning of my cancer story and there are still many holes to fill in. I will do my best to fill some of those holes but for now let me catch you up....
Friday morning comes and I drive myself to my appointment. I laid on the table for my 1 hour of Brain Beats, if you've never experienced a brain MRI you can look it up on youtube, lets just say even that does not do the assaulting loud noises justice. But after a time I realized if I try to choreograph to them it goes by much better. But this time I felt I had reached Professional Cancer patient status because I fell asleep! It was glorious, they came in to wake me up when it was all over. When I got to me feet to go change out of those oh so sexy scrubs that's when I noticed the look. The technician gave me the "Oh this poor girl, this is really bad" look I noticed it on everyone's face, the other nurses, the tech taking out my IV. I suddenly had a room full of strangers all looking like they wanted to hug me, say something, but what?
Still pretty pleased with my self that I had fallen asleep I ignored their sad faces and headed home. I got home and relayed my proud cancer moment to my husband and then set straight to work on my giant May to do list (one of the busiest months of the year in the dance world) As I was typing out an email to my Dance company informing them what time to be in Dallas for our last convention my phone rings. I see it's my oncologist and my heart drops....it's too soon
she shouldn't have had time to read my results yet what is going on??? "Michelle, I have your results and I need you to come in right now, you are not to be behind the wheel of a car and your husband needs to be with you. Please leave now!" I hung up and with shaking hands tried to catch my breath to talk to my husband who was on a business call. All I could say was we have to go now, I can't drive, there's more tumors. When we arrived I was whisked right in but there was enough time for me to the see the red puffy eyes of some of my favorite nurses. My doctor came in and said I think you should see this before go over everything. She pulled up my scan on the screen and started to go through it. That couldn't be my scan! Dr. Ashworth there has to be a mix up this isn't my scan!!. That tiny dot that was my scan, not this, I couldn't even count how many there were. And how they could be that size!!! Where was the room for my brain?? My medical background helps me to immediately identify things such as some of the largest tumors on my Cerebellum the part that coordinate muscle activity was now covered in a tumor so large and inflamed that it had started to hemorrhage. The day before I was dancing, the day before I was at a PINK concert singing and dancing my brains out all the while balancing in heels! How is that possible!?! She continued on the scan to show that there were over 13 tumors multiple signs of hemorrhage that she could see and that it appears to also have moved into my bones and was showing up in my skull. I turned to her and said Dr. Ashworth you have always shot me straight I made you promise to tell me when its time to freak out. This is when she lost it my strong super hero of a Doctor had a human moment as she said through her tears "It's time to freak out" Followed by its time to put your affairs in order. "How much time do I have????" I know this a completely ridiculous question because only the Lord knows! But she responded with a couple months. Ok, now I'm pissed! That is not acceptable!!! I have some HUGE things coming up in my life that I do NOT want to miss out on ! I would be having some very strong conversations with God about this! We all hugged and cried and then I was whisked off to the Radiation department downstairs. I went to CT to have my new Spider Man mask made and immediately sent in to radiation for what would be my daily whole brain radiation treatments for the next 3 weeks. I was also put on a whole barrage of new medications. Including an Alzheimer med to help me retain as much memory as possible. I will find out Monday when my new Keytruda infusions will begin. I was so humbled by how amazing the staff is at Texas Oncology when I realized how late everyone stayed after hours to get everything done for me, when I realized they came in on a Saturday morning just for my treatment! They are a special kind of human! The kind that hide not only super hero capes but angel wings under those scrubs and lab coats! The truth is they wanted me to be hospitalized, the Doctors had no idea how I had not had a seizure, stroke, brain aneurysm, or how I was walking and talking but they took it as a good sign that I still have some fight left in me. It just so happens I live in the neighborhood of my doctors and hospital so I was granted the blessing of going home to be with my family, just another of one of the many tender Mercies the Lord has blessed me with!
So how am I doing??
Emotionally - I am a wreck I burst into tears about every 5 minutes but thank you to Xanax I will be ok!
Physically - I'm in a lot of pain. My head is on fire, and under major attack. I have found that my happy place is to wrap my whole head in ice packs and cover it with a beanie down to my chin - it is heavenly! I'm tired, dizzy, achy, nausea's, and weak. BUT I know I can endure this! The Lord has never left my side!!! In these past three days God has sent me angels to lift me up every step of the way!
Spiritually - I am currently under negotiations with the Lord about this whole timeline thing....We will have to wait and see how that goes. But in the mean time my Faith in God and His plan for me has not wavered in the slightest! I could write endless books on all the ways in which He makes His love for us and very presence in our lives known! I know that for some of you this does not make any sense...and if I know anything I know that I can not give you your relationship with God. That is something that only you alone can find. But what I can promise you is that in the mean time He is waiting for you, loving you perfectly just for who you are. He is not waiting for you to be "Good Enough" for him. You already are in His eyes! And when I leave here I promise to send you reminders of just how amazing and loved you are! I want you all to know Him how I know Him, to feel His Love, His Grace, His desire for all of us to come home to be with Him! This was the plan all along...we are given this beautiful gift to come to this earth to receive a body so that we could learn the things that our spirits needed to learn to become more like Him. He sent us His Son to be a Savior, our Example, and our Friend! He sent us the Holy Spirit to help us, guide us and comfort us in any way we need. And why?? So that when we are done on this earth we can have unimaginable blessings! We can be together with the people that we love forever! Death is not the end it is the beginning of the most beautiful Eternity our God has prepared for us! All of the hard times, the pain, the hurt, they were all to make everything else that much sweeter, that much more Love!
There are some waves that take you all the way to shore, they gently let you off onto the soft warm sand as if to say Welcome home, I hope you enjoyed ever second of this epic ride!
And now in Honor of one of the most amazing nights ever here is my girl P!Nk!! Dance it out my friends! This one's for you Cancer...
My name is Michelle Kaley but I have many other names.....Daughter, Sister, Wife of 20 years to my High School Sweetheart, Mom to my 4 Beautiful Children, Ms. Michelle to my hundreds of Students, and as of 2016 Cancer Patient was added to the list.