Life in audio

One of the great things about living in this day and age is the way in which things get captured. What a blessing it is to have pictures, video and audio so easily recorded for us to then reflect on later. I have realized that Michelle was most often the one taking the pictures, so there aren't nearly as many pictures of her as there are of the rest of us, but gratefully there are a good deal of them. 

But while a picture may be worth a thousand words, sometimes what you really want is to hear your loved one again. You want to hear the way they sounded, to hear them relay a story in their own words rather then trying to rely on your memory. It's also fun to hear how they interpreted an experience differently from you. Luckily Michelle, having the magnetic personality that she had, attracted the attention of people and as a result there just happens to be recordings of her sharing her insights and life stories. So while the last post was her in motion, this is her in her own words.
​ 
First she did a podcast related to being a Young Women's leader for our church. At the time she didn't share this one too widely because it touched on some fairly sensitive material, and she really didn't know how it might affect some people. She also didn't want people coming up to her with the "I had no idea you went through all that." or the simple "I'm so sorry". She didn't want sympathy for something she had gone through, what she wanted was for people to learn from her experiences and so it was enough to leave it somewhere where those people would find it. That being said I feel ok now sharing it with a wider audience. Be aware she touches on some heavy things, but thus pretty well confirms that she was tough and fearless before cancer came knocking. 
Below is the audio and here is the original link
https://leadingsaints.org/from-abuse-victim-to-young-women-president-how-i-lead-michelle-kaley/

Now for the slightly lighter side. Michelle did this one unexpectedly while we were on vacation in Utah. Here we get to hear about her passion for dance and how she has held her head high in the face of being sick. Honestly I'd forgotten about this one until the podcasters husband shared it on her cancer support page. I will be eternally grateful for getting to hear her voice again, and to have a little reminder of an inside joke we shared.

Saying goodbye

So now here is my part. I'd hoped to write up my eulogy to Michelle, but the truth is I ad libbed the majority of it and only had sparse notes. I'm grateful to Michelle and I's friend Candida who unbeknownst to me recorded the eulogy and then shared it with me. Y'all can now hear me speak about the woman that shaped me over the course of 22 years. I wondered how I was going to go on without my other half, but the truth is she hasn't left me. I came to her 22 years ago full of holes and she didn't just temporarily fill in the gaps, she fundamentally transformed me (which I might get to in a future post). But in the meantime here you go my eulogy to the woman that gave me a life that was more than I ever imagined, complete with pictures.

My music to remember her by

So if you just listened to the eulogy you now know, if you didn't before, that we were opposites in many ways. One of those ways was our taste in music. Sometime we crossed over to the others side, there were a fair number of Metallica songs I could get her to listen to, and every once in a while I was able to embrace some of hers. Just wait for the next post on music, be forewarned I'm gonna get you crying. But even though we may not have crossed paths often on our musical tastes I still have an entire collection of songs that I associate with her for various reasons. So I apologize, I'm not sure how well you can dance to this one, but it holds some special meaning. Back on August 3rd Michelle was at home under hospice care, I'd boughten tickets months before for Coheed and Cambria, a band me and the older children enjoy. She was encouraging that I go and it ended up being a much needed chance to blow off steam with everything we had going on. There are a number of Coheed songs I associate with Michelle, but this one hits especially hard, again wait for next post. If you've read some of the other entries, especially our marriage one, you know we faced our challenges, and I was far from  the perfect husband at times, but I learned a lot of lessons on 22 years, and I like to think that by the end we were each two halves of something phenomenal. I recorded this one live, so if you listen carefully you might even get to hear that horrible off key voice I talked about above.  For those that aren't acquainted with the song, don't worry I'll post the lyrics below, but suffice it to say I was shedding some tears by end of the portion I've marked in bold. 

Here to mars 

​Hey, stranger
Been a long while since I've loved you or anything
How the times have changed
Distorted, a figure set in trend, emotionless
And the words lose all their means
(Goodbye, lost and long forgotten)
Discouraged might be the term you choose when you look
Looking for an excuse
My company has gone mute
Since listening isn't my strongest suit
I'm leaving you with this here, okay?
Over and out there
Honey, it's in the stars
And you're my everything from here to Mars
And every word I say I truly mean
Dear darling, I hope I'm being clear
'Cause there's no one like you on earth
That can be my universe
Understood, give me a second chance
I know I could be your better half
It's in the stars
And you're my everything from here to Mars
And every word I say I truly mean
Dear darling, I hope I'm being clear
'Cause there's no one like you on earth
That can be my universe
Pardon me, I think I'm going
Out of my head and into the worst
A world without your verse
A world without you hurts
Please, I'm sorry
I will never let you go
I will never let you go
I will never let you go
It's in the stars
And you're my everything from here to Mars
And every word I say I truly mean
Dear darling, I hope I'm being clear
'Cause there's no one like you on earth
That can be my burning star
And you're my everything from here to Mars
And every word I, every word I mean
Dear darling, I hope I'm being clean
'Cause there's no one like you on Earth
That can be my universe

Songwriters: Claudio Sanchez